Luke is a father of six – aged eight to 16 – from Rockhampton, Queensland. Like any dad, he’s had his fair share of frustrating experiences while parenting but the 43-year-old recognised early on that he didn’t want to follow in his own father’s footsteps when it came to explosive anger. We spoke to Luke about realising his reactions needed to change, and his strategies for keeping calm.
My wife and I both grew up in large families and knew we wanted kids. When I found out our first was on the way my mind flashed back to my dad and I thought, ‘what sort of a dad am I going to be?’ What is out there to help me?’ I try to take the best of what I remember from both of my parents into my parenting role now, but my dad had a lot of anger when I was growing up.
I remember as kids, my four sisters and I would spend hours being quiet. We’d tip-toe around the house and try to make sure everything was clean and tidy, but nothing ever seemed good enough and dad would get mad and point out tiny things. That stuck with me. I figured we’d done our best and wondered why couldn’t dad say, “Hey, good job. You have missed this. Well done. Thank you for trying that.” I caught myself at one point reacting like my father with my own kids, and I went, “Wait a second, Luke. Wait a second. Rewind. How would you have wanted your dad to have done this? Do that instead.”
In my early teen years, my dad burnt out and lost his job. Our family had to move to a different town, mum had to pick up the entire burden of earning the dollars. He laid a lot of blame on himself and had a lot of anger over feeling helpless. I couldn’t understand why my dad was so mad when that happened to him. But then around eight years ago a similar thing happened to me. I lost my job, we had to move towns and my wife took on the role of breadwinner. If he went through anything that I felt… I’d studied and worked for 15 years and then my whole world was upended. I wasn’t doing what everyone thought I should be. I was angry at myself. I was battling with the same idea – that I needed to be the breadwinner – and yet circumstances were out of my control. That can give you some feelings of extreme self-doubt and self-loathing and then that can translate into anger. I understand what my dad felt.
I’d always struggled with explosive anger. I had to really work to keep it down but didn’t know exactly how to manage it. I would keep it bottled for so long and then bang, I’d get mad. Like a storm, when they roll in with thunder and lightning, then roll out. I’d be worn out and weary from it, and then I’d go back to bottling it up until it all exploded again. It was not very healthy.
I’d usually be triggered when people thought I wasn’t good at what I was doing. If they called something into doubt, or if I felt useless, then I’d get angry. I’d get upset if people were verbally abusive towards me.
When the kids came along I tried to listen to what was out there for mums, about how to manage stress, manage being tired, that sort of stuff, and that did help. I also thought back to what my dad was like, and how he’d get cranky at myself and my sisters. I thought, “I actually want to make sure I’m not going to be doing that with my own kids.” Also, as a Christian, I try to make sure I’m modelling in everything I do.
There were times when I blew up at the kids and I felt pretty terrible, to be honest. These are kids who are just trying to figure themselves out, just trying to learn, and I’m supposed to be a role model for them. There had been some points when my wife had said, “Look, I’m actually a bit scared. You got really angry there,” and that made me go, “Well, hang on. If I’m frightening her, then I do need to work on how I’m expressing this, how I’m dealing with this.”
Before I had kids, I’d been an army reservist. A lot of the discipline that was taught in there came into managing my anger. Prayer helped me too. In the moment I’d feel my muscles tightening and my brain would get foggy. That’s when I’d recognize that I’ve really got to step back, take a moment, breathe this out, and calm myself down before I go any further. I have a bit more of a handle on it. A lot of people have said I’ve got a decent long fuse, but I want it to be a fuse that never goes off. I know those signs now. If I find someone’s cutting me off in traffic or something, I just take that breath.
There was a comedian who said she used to get mad at people in traffic, but then she hit on one word, and if someone did something daft, then she’d just go, “Fascinating.” That’s something I’ve put into practice. If someone’s doing something that is making me mad, I will take a breath and calm it down a bit, but in my brain, I’ll just be going, “Interesting, fascinating.”
I’ve had conversations with my kids about anger. They’ve inherited my temper. I work on teaching them how to effectively manage their temper. Pointing out it’s okay, you’re going to get cranky about things. There’s nothing wrong with getting upset or angry, it’s how you manage it and how you express that anger. I had to separate some of my kids from getting into a good old biff up in the backyard one afternoon, and I’m like, “Take your time. Settle down out there, go away from each other, breathe,” and then walked them through what I’ve learned, and then also asked them what works for them. It’s not going to work for everybody, the same stuff.
My advice to other dads struggling with anger is that it’s ok to feel angry, it’s how you express it that’s important. I needed to learn that lesson. Don’t be afraid of anger, make it work for you. That could be exercise, yard work, or writing it out. I remember the story of Jesus clearing the temple, he was angry, but he controlled it, channeled it and used it wisely. An athlete can use their anger to push past muscle aches and pain and take first place. You can get through it and you can manage it.
