Adrian spent over three decades dealing with symptoms of ADHD. A diagnosis at 37 has helped him begin to change the behaviours that impacted his relationships, work and the trajectory of his life, but it’s also involved re-writing his sense of self. We spoke to the New Zealand-born data analyst about the signs of ADHD that were overlooked and what helped with the diagnosis process.
I always knew bits and pieces about ADHD because my nephew was diagnosed with it at quite a young age about 15 years ago. But the condition was always linked with hyperactivity in my mind, which is what most people think ADHD is, especially when I was at school. That’s one of the biggest reasons I was never diagnosed until later in life, or even suspected that I had it.
Looking back at my childhood, I was disruptive in class, I was always in trouble, and I was told I was really intelligent but never applied myself. I could never commit and get things finished. I love starting things, getting interested and involved in something new. But in terms of finishing off assignments and work, that’s always been a struggle. I never finished high school. I started uni and I changed courses. I changed courses again and again. Then never finished uni. I found a home working in hospitality, which is a job well-suited to ADHD.
I only started to consider whether I have ADHD very recently. After the birth of my son life got really busy and there was just a lot less time to be disorganised, to miss things and forget things. Now it was becoming very apparent and it was starting to create a bit of a strain in my relationship with my partner.
It started as a joke like, these things are hard because you’ve got ADHD. But it got more and more real as it became more of an issue in my life. My wife was utterly convinced, she was like you definitely have it. It came to a head earlier this year and I was like, I need to find out if this is the cause. But I was utterly convinced that the psychiatrist was just going to tell me I didn’t have it and that I was just bad at life.
Even though everything I’d read fit the bill, the narrative I’d had in my head for myself my whole life was that I was just a bit lazy, distracted, and unable to come in and get things done. So the alternative – getting diagnosed – was a bit scary because it meant that I’d need to rewrite my entire history and my sense of self.
I went about the process of getting diagnosed in a typical ADHD fashion – I said, I’m going to do it, fired up, and I set up an appointment with a psychologist. But it was the wrong path to go down because a psychologist can’t actually do anything. You need a psychiatrist to be able to prescribe medication. And to see a psychiatrist, you need a referral from a GP. I went all kinds of backwards.
The referral to a psychiatrist can be a tricky process because they can only refer you to one at a time. I was very lucky in that even though we lived regionally, there was a psychiatrist right near us who specialised in adult ADHD and they were able to see me quickly, in a matter of weeks.
I’ve spoken to a lot of other people for whom that hasn’t been the case, and the process has been very drawn out. For many people with ADHD, it’s very difficult to stick with the diagnosis process and put all that effort in, organise appointments, and show up to them so for me, having that access and availability was really helpful.
I was diagnosed in the first appointment and was set up to trial some of the ADHD medications. It’s tricky, I’m still finding what works for me. The first one had some side effects which I was uncomfortable with. The second one works, but works for a few weeks, and then seems to be less effective. So I’m still going back and forth with the psychiatrist just trying to find the right balance.
But whilst I’m on the medication when it’s working, it works. There’s a significant difference. The first day I started taking the medication was just so much easier to organise steps in my head, getting breakfast ready and organising my son and getting him dressed.
Normally that would have been a bit chaotic but on the medication I’m able to be like, I’m doing this now, next I need to do this, and if I start to get distracted and do something else I’ve got the ability to be like no that’s not part of the plan. Stick to the plan and come back to that later. It’s just a bit easier to shuffle things around in my head.
Because I’ve been dealing with ADHD without knowing it for my whole life, I’d already had some tools to manage it. I’m also in a relationship with someone who’s hyper-organised and takes care of a lot of the organisation things for me. But things that help are having a calendar and using it, and having a to-do list and using it.
After I was diagnosed, I started printing lists of things that I needed to do each morning and each night. I pack down the house in the evening, do the dishwasher, shut the doors, all those types of things. I never thought I needed a list because there weren’t that many things, but guaranteed every couple of nights I’d forget something. I wouldn’t lock the doors, wouldn’t put the dishwasher on, whatever it might be. So I started using lists, which has been really helpful. Other things I’ve looked into are vitamins, making sure I exercise and get enough sleep, which helps my ADHD behaviours.
Initially, the diagnosis threw me for a loop. I was incredibly frustrated because I was left wondering if I’d been diagnosed at 10, 11, 12 or 13, instead of 37 how my schooling, career, life and relationships might have been different.
It triggered a lot of self-reflection and trying to figure out okay, what in my life has been caused by ADHD and what are just things I’ve done. Was this an ADHD thing or an Adrian thing?
Having the support of my partner definitely makes things easier and obviously, she’s put up with my ADHD behaviours for a long time, so she was very invested and involved in helping me get the diagnosis and implement the things that I need to after that.
If you have other people in your family with ADHD and these types of behaviours, it’s probably worth having a look in the mirror. My sister and her three kids have all been diagnosed with ADHD now. We suspect my father will be. My three-year-old son is very active, that could be a toddler thing but it could be something else as well.
I wish I’d pursued an ADHD diagnosis as soon as I suspected because it has helped me understand my life and the way that I am, which makes me feel better about myself too. It also means you can start actioning things to improve your life.
