What is anger?
Anger is a feeling we experience in our bodies for many different reasons. Anger itself is not a problem. In fact, like all feelings, it provides important information about what we believe is safe and good for us.
When we talk about “anger problems” we’re usually referring to aggressive behaviours. Aggressive behaviour can look like hostility, disrespect, dismissing other people’s needs and becoming domineering or even violent. When anger is expressed as aggression or violence, it can put the angry person and those around them in danger. These behaviours can cause problems with relationships, family, the workplace and law enforcement.
Non-aggressive ways of dealing with anger, like withdrawing and isolation, may also create problems by creating tension and misunderstanding.
Anger is not a problem that needs to be controlled, aggression is.
How common is anger?
Everybody gets angry sometimes, but it’s not a problem for most people.
Aggressive behaviour and excessive anger are more common in males than females, but we don’t know exactly how many people have anger problems.
What are the signs of anger?
What causes anger?
Things like frustration and unfair treatment can trigger anger, but there may be other things going on that make some people more likely to become angry or express their anger in an unhelpful way.
Anger is a common symptom of depression and anxiety in males. Stress, the use of alcohol and other substances, or poor sleep can increase anger.
Poor physical health, which can cause chronic pain or unpredictable obstacles to daily life, can contribute to anger.
Adverse experiences in childhood or other traumatic events can promote anger.
What someone with anger might be feeling
Anger causes a variety of other feelings, including tension, irritation, resentment, guilt and shame.
When someone is angry they may feel dizzy, overwhelmed or out of control.
Some men may feel like anger is one of the few emotions they are safe to express because they have been discouraged from displaying vulnerability or appearing ‘weak’ by expressing feelings like sadness, fear, loneliness or anxiousness. Others may hide their emotions until they reach breaking point. These men need to feel safe to experience and express a full range of emotions, without fear of judgement.
Anyone who acts aggressively when they are angry needs to understand that their behaviour makes others feel unsafe, and is damaging to relationships.
What you might be feeling about someone’s anger
Living with someone who seems constantly angry or has outbursts of anger is stressful.
Partners of people with anger problems describe feeling like they’re “walking on eggshells”, and trying to avoid people, subjects, situations or events that they know can set their partner off.
If someone’s anger causes problems, they need to know about it. If you need to have a conversation about someone’s aggressive behaviour, this needs to be done safely.
Have a safety plan
Make sure you have someone you can turn to or another place to go if your safety is at risk.
Pick the right time and place
Have the conversation when they’re calm, not when they’re already angry. It might be better to go to a public place to talk, like taking a walk through the park or sitting down for a coffee.
Tell them how their anger makes you feel
Using “I statements” rather than “you statements” to communicate how you feel. Instead of, “Why are you so angry all the time?” try “When you raise your voice at me, I feel unsafe.”
Encourage them to get help
There are a range of effective ways to manage anger and chatting with a doctor is a good place to start. Various types of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can effectively reduce excessive anger. Mindfulness, relaxation, lifestyle changes and, for some people, medication can also help. There are also free programs like Changing for Good: Violence Prevention Program and anger management courses run by Relationships Australia, which fees are based on your income.
If your partner refuses to recognise they have a problem, you can remind them you’re there for them if and when they’re ready to seek help. You have the right to always feel safe, and you should not have to tolerate aggressive behaviour from anyone. If you experience verbal or physical aggression from a partner, try to remove yourself from the situation as safely and quickly as possible.
