“It was the sheer shock of it all,” says Joel Feren, whose daughter Ruby arrived five weeks early. “I was still working, her car seat hadn’t been installed, and her bassinet was still in the flat pack box. I remember feeling completely unprepared, both practically and emotionally.”
With shock can come fear, confusion, powerlessness, guilt and grief. The joy of a new arrival can be overshadowed by long weeks —neven months — in the hospital witnessing intensive medical care of your newborn.
“I wish I’d known how resilient babies can be – and how adaptable parents can become,” Feren says. “I also wish I’d cut myself more slack. There’s this pressure to know what to do right away, but so much of fatherhood is learning on the job. You are thrust into a position you are grossly unqualified for, but you learn to adapt relatively quickly.”
If you’ve welcomed your baby into the world earlier than you expected, here’s how preterm birth might affect you, how you can support your partner and tips for connecting with your newborn, while taking care of you too.
What is preterm birth?
Babies that are born between 37 and 42 weeks are considered full-term. Preterm birth is when a baby is born before 37 weeks. Babies born before 32 weeks are classified as very preterm and babies born prior to 28 weeks are extremely preterm.
Babies develop rapidly each week in the womb, so a baby born at 24 weeks will be much less developed and need very different care compared to one born later in pregnancy.
A baby born preterm may need to be admitted into a specialised area of the hospital with advanced, life-supporting equipment and specially trained health care professionals. This specialised medical unit may be called a newborn or neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).
Babies born very early often need help with breathing, feeding and keeping their body temperature and heart rate stable. Specialist care can help reduce the chances of long-term health or development problems in premature babies. Most premature babies do well, but being born early still carries some risks.
Why are babies born preterm?
In Australia, nearly one in 10 babies is born prematurely and it can happen for many reasons. Most cases happen spontaneously, but sometimes doctors need to induce labour or perform a caesarean early because of medical issues like infections or other pregnancy complications.
Having multiples (twins or triplets), certain infections, or long-term health conditions like diabetes and high blood pressure can increase the risk of having a pre-term birth. Genetics may also play a role. But often, there’s no identified cause.
What dads might be feeling
“In my work with families, fathers often describe a mix of shock, fear and helplessness when their baby arrives prematurely,” says clinical and health psychologist and reproductive counsellor, Narelle Dickinson.
As a dad you’re sometimes the first person to meet your preterm newborn after a traumatic birth while mum undergoes emergency treatment.
“Many describe feeling torn between wanting to protect their partner and the worry they are feeling about their tiny baby in hospital,” Dickinson adds.
You’re often responsible for finding out information about the baby’s condition and communicating that with the mum and other family members.
“This can feel really tough as they weren’t expecting to have even met their baby yet, and there won’t have been a chance to really develop a sense of attachment as a parent,” she says.
You might be looking after a toddler at home or feel under pressure to return to work, which can also add to a sense of distance.
“Because mothers usually have more contact with the baby and medical team, fathers can sometimes feel left out or unsure of their role,” Dickinson adds.
You might also feel guilty or frustrated that you can’t make things better, or envious of others having the experience you expected. All while feeling like you need to be “the strong one” and hold it all together.
“Yet even in the middle of all that uncertainty, there’s often deep love, pride, and awe for this tiny human that they haven’t yet had a chance to get to know,” Dickinson says.
Feren’s advice for new dads of premmie babies is to give yourself time to grow into the role.
“Try to focus on what’s within your control, and let go of the rest,” he says. “I wasn’t instantly comfortable being ‘dad,’ but I got there – and now I can’t imagine life any other way, almost six and a half years later.”
Connecting with your baby
The best way to build a connection with your baby and your confidence as a new dad is to get involved. When dads are hands-on in the neonatal unit, their babies gain more weight, are more likely to be exclusively breastfed and former stronger bonds with them.
“Dads are really into doing what they can to bond with the baby – reading to the baby, helping change the nappies in the incubator,” says Felicia Walstead, CEO of Life’s Little Treasures Foundation. “More and more dads are wanting to get involved from the start, but we have to just give them a bit of guidance of how they can do that.”
Sometimes dads can feel excluded or unsure about their role in the neonatal unit, or worried about their baby being fragile, but there are a range of ways you can get involved in your baby’s care.
You can always ask staff for clear guidance or more information. If you feel left out of your baby’s care, speak up.
“As much as you can, stay involved with the medical team and keep yourself informed on what is happening in your baby’s treatment: be an active part of the decision making, rather than leaving it to your partner to update you on the baby’s progress,” says Dickinson.
If you have to go back to work, any amount of time you can spend in the NICU is still good for your baby, your partner and you.
Connecting with your partner
Becoming parents together is tough enough on relationships, but extra complexities like premature birth add to the strain.
“Intentional connection matters,” says Dickinson. “Simple things like checking in with each other daily, sharing feelings honestly, and celebrating small wins as your baby grows, can help maintain closeness.”
It can also be helpful to use professional support or peer groups as a couple, for guidance and reassurance.
“My wife and I also learned to lean on each other more – we were figuring it out together, one sleep-deprived day at a time,” Feren says. “It helped me realise that parenting isn’t about having everything ready; it’s about showing up and doing your best in the moment.”
Connecting with others
“It’s a very isolating experience having a preterm baby,” says Walstead. “Talking to other dads really helps, being able to hear other people’s stories, knowing you’re not alone.”
Organisations like Life’s Little Treasures offer in-person and online events and support groups where you can connect with people who have been in your shoes before.
“Talking with other dads who have been through premature birth, or seeking professional support, can also normalise the ups and downs and provide practical guidance,” Dickinson says.
Feren also recommends asking for and accepting help.
“Outsource tasks as you need – for us, it was food shopping and meal planning. Lean on your people – mates, family, even other dads in your network – because sharing what you’re feeling helps more than you’d think,” he says. “Family and friends rallied around us, which made all the difference.”
Caring for your mental health
Having a premature baby can be psychologically distressing for parents.
“The statistics show that for a parent who has had a premature baby compared to a full-term baby, you’re twice as likely to have a mental health issue like depression, anxiety or PTSD,” says Walstead.
Fathers may not always notice when they’re struggling, especially if they feel pressure to stay “strong” for their family.
“Signs can include persistent anxiety or worry, feeling irritable or withdrawn, difficulty sleeping, loss of interest in things they usually enjoy, or feeling disconnected from their baby or partner,” Dickinson says.
“Trusting your instincts and checking in with yourself is important. If something feels off, it’s a signal to reach out for support from a partner, health professional, or peer group.”
Or book in to see your GP for a mental health care plan.
PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) also has an online checklist to see if what you’re experiencing could be a reason to seek help.
