Ask the Doc: How can I control my anger when I’m mad?

Question:

How can I manage my anger?

Answer:

There’s an expression about hydration: Once you’re thirsty, you’ve waited too long to start drinking. Something similar is true about anger. It is better to be tending to your feelings in a steady and consistent way, than bringing in strategies when it’s already too late.

I will provide some strategies for coping with anger below, but the truth is you’re much better off drinking water every couple of hours than waiting until you need an IV drip. And for anger, this means being aware of what your feelings are at regular intervals, rather than when they’ve become really big and distressing.

There is also a really important distinction to be made. Anger is not a problem that needs to be controlled, aggression is. Aggression is the thing that makes others uncomfortable. Aggression is what results in problems. Aggression is the behaviour of anger. Anger is the feeling or the sensation.

There are times when aggression is appropriate, like in competitive sport, but it’s not appropriate in interpersonal relationship that are meant to feel safe.

So, with that in mind, who does your anger need to be controlled for? For you, or for the people around you?

If you are reading this article because you have scared or hurt people by being aggressive when you are feeling angry, there are ways to direct your aggression that won’t hurt people around you. For example, screaming into a pillow, doing push-ups to failure, crushing ice-cubes in your bare hands, going for a run – anything that requires exerting a lot of effort outwards, away from other people.

If you are reading this article because you often feel angry, and it is difficult for you to experience that feeling as often as you do, and it is not because you end up behaving aggressively and hurting people around you, then there are different strategies. The bad news is, you won’t be able to directly control or stop feeling angry.

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge that feeling. Noticing your feelings is a good but oddly difficult first step. Once you have acknowledged that feeling, let yourself know that the feeling is OK. It could be useful to say ‘it’s OK to feel angry’ aloud to yourself, or to write it down. This is often enough to alleviate the feeling of anger. If you’re still feeling angry through, it might be helpful to share it with someone close to you, who understands you but isn’t involved in your feelings.

If you don’t have someone in your life who you can talk to about your feelings, that might be part of the reason you often become angry. Ideally there are people around us who we can share our feelings with, who understand us.

If you feel like your anger is a problem for you, speak to your doctor about it. They can connect you with people who can help, like a psychologist. Psychologists are paid to be that person.